Summer of Strange

This has been the Summer of Strange.
1. Our Mayor responds to a citizen’s cries for help and gets hit repeatedly over the head by an assailant with a tire iron and his heroics bump alderman, Bob Donovan (ours) out of first place in the new, Channel 12’s A-list “ Best Fighting Elected Officials,” category. And makes the front page of the Huffington Post three days running.
2. My black lab that normally, on our regular walks on the Hank Aaron Trail, brings me old tennis balls, baseballs (errant home runs?), dead fish, brought me someone’s neatly folded, single stapled, bankruptcy papers that were filed in 1986.
3. I got kicked out of a trendy, Shorewood store by the spray-tanned owner because I was “just looking,” at his vast array of high end, over-the-top, eye glasses. He asked me if I had ever purchased anything from him, I responded, that I hadn’t. “Then why are you here?” He asked. I tried to appeal to his lofty ego and say because his store is the “benchmark of style.” He responds, “Well, if it’s the benchmark, then why don’t you buy from us?” Because, some things were too pricey, I say, but in my defense I left the door open with the rising tone in my voice, as if to say that I might purchase something from him, someday, maybe. Not good enough. He tells me he’s busy with an order, “From a PAYING CUSTOMER,” and gestures towards the front door. I guess, it’s nice to know that in this economy, some people can afford to piss off potential customers.
4. Speaking of pissing people off, I managed to piss off the service center guy where I take my car for it’s maintenance. He asked me what was wrong. I told him that my battery was dead, “ . . . just like Brett Favre is to me.” He asked if the 16 years with the Packers meant nothing to me. I told him that I felt like a jilted lover and had every right to be hurt. I then asked him when my car would be ready. “Tomorrow, maybe, if we get to it.”
5. Someone tags the Marquette Interchange and costs the taxpayers thousands of dollars to clean it off. That’s a lot of Goof-off.
6. The weather. What happened to summer? I know! This cooler weather is because last year I made my husband go out and replace our 15 year old air conditioners with more efficient models, that we’ve had to turn on maybe three times – talk about efficiency! – since he herniated himself putting them into the windows.
7. Total empty nest. This was the first summer that we’ve had no kids at home. My son decided to stay for the summer in Madison and my daughter has moved to San Francisco. We have promoted the dog to child and allow him to sit with us on the sofa. The real children are shocked and upset. Sibling rivalry?
8. I finally have gotten grass to grow on my lawn! I don’t know how it happened. A miracle? I must get a yard statue of Saint Phocas, Patron Saint of lawn care.
9. Speaking of miracles . . . my writing has caught the eye of a New York based magazine editor, and
10. Um . . . been working on another book all about that whole mother-son relationship and my son doesn’t care what I write, as long as I don’t mention any names. Really?